I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
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Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Everything reminds me of my ex
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps