[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
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When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
What personal space?
My dog
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Home #decor warning.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above