Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
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ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.