[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
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Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Finally, a door that understands me
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.