*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
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When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I cannot call her anything else now
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”