Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
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Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Mmmm canned fish.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
What do you hear?
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Every haunted house movie:
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.