Hey! This isn’t my car!
You Might Also Like
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome