I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
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Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me