One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
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oh u like history? name everything that happened
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
New tinder profile pic
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”