Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
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I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
every single time
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!