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What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”