Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
You Might Also Like
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Bro what is this
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name