FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
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Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Good morning.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?