WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
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Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.