If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
You Might Also Like
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
channeling her this year
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
what the hell pray for carter everyone
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.