Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
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Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
how to exercise your calf muscles
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’