The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
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*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.