Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
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Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
A dad and his duck
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was