Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
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I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
new shirt idea
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.