HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
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Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.