I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
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ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Raisins are grape jerky.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
When your parents check you’re ok.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
#CatsOnTwitter
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?