I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
You Might Also Like
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.