You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
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[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I need a headline like this
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening