latin students necrophiliacs
š¤
enjoying a dead tongue
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I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Today I ate vegetable lasagnaā¦ I donāt wanna talk about it.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13Ā° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each otherās sentences
WARDEN: no
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said āI hope you like cats.ā
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINEāS DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jennyās mom I was so excited and she was like ābut then we canāt wait for them to get backā and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jennyās Mom from my phone
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I was just thinking āoh shoot I forgot somethingā and it came out as āoh fruitā
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose š
Losing š²
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
iām in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: āAll right, hereās your motherā