I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
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Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.