I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
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I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party