Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
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when you don’t want to be too vague
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters