Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
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I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe