love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.