Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
You Might Also Like
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above