My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
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beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you