what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
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you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’