God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
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“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.