I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
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[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.