My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
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People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
me
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no