My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
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kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Raisins are grape jerky.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.