Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
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[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow