The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
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Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try