He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
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FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”