My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut