I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
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Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
LMAO
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne