Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
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Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
The devil.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *