Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
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You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild