ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
According to math, I’m broke
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
😎 🍻