Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
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5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
What’s a Messi?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
men are simple creatures
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
*skinny dips into black hole
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…