“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
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her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?