Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
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I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
True statement👍😏😁
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality