Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
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If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
My kitchen overserved me.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Danger is very dangerous
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.