Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
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usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
real
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?