I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
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so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
#dnd #ttrpg
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad